When it comes to wanting approval for athletes, coaches might be at the very top of their list. It’s an interesting dynamic because a coach is tasked with helping bring the best out of the athletes, but sometimes, given their dynamic, he or she is actually a huge source of interference for them.

This blog post is not only great for the athlete in learning how to break free of this approval-seeking hold but can also provide significant insights for coaches and how they interact with their athletes. Before diving in, check out our mini-series to get the full picture:

1. The Biggest Hurdle for an Athlete: Needing Approval
2. The 59% Reality: Embracing Self-Worth When Approval Isn't Universal
3. Mirror Method: A Step to Freedom from Approval-Seeking

The Teeter-Totter Trap of Approval

I know about wanting my coaches' approval all too well, and at the core, I don’t think that’s a bad thing. But when you, as an athlete, feel like you “need” it in order to feel good about yourself, then that’s when you are on the ‘teeter-totter trap.’ This was me.

For years, I felt paralyzed by verbal, intense coaching. My approval-seeking nature turned every critique into an emotional hit, creating a “paralysis by analysis” mindset. I feared making mistakes. I feared my coach’s reaction. And worst of all, I feared what it meant about me.

Early in my career at Washington State, I lived and died by Coach Leach’s words. If he said something positive, I was on cloud nine—the teeter-totter tipped up. If he said something negative or critical (which, if you knew Coach Leach, that happened often haha), I was in the dumps—the teeter-totter came crashing down.

This need for approval didn’t just affect my performance; it impacted my confidence off the field, too. I wasn’t just playing football—I was playing for his validation.

"What Not How" – The Key to Taking the Tone Out of Coaching

The shift that changed everything? I stopped focusing on how the message was delivered and started focusing on what was being said.

Coaches are human. Their tone, their delivery, and their feedback. It’s all influenced by their own emotions, experiences, insecurities, and personal stories—and not so much about their players or player. (See last week’s blog post to understand this concept)

I experienced this firsthand as a coach and snapped at one of my players. The message I gave him was a good coaching point, but my delivery sucked and was a reflection of me, not him. Hopefully, he implemented this “What Not How” mind strength skill and took the learning rather than the hurt.

Turning Coaches into a Resource, Not an Obstacle

This shift in perspective has helped countless athletes I’ve worked with. Once they stopped attaching emotional weight to the delivery and instead focused on the actual coaching point, their game transformed. Instead of fearing their coaches, they started utilizing them as a resource. It's also been a great insight for the coaches I work with and how they interact with their athletes. 

If you’ve been caught in the teeter-totter trap of needing approval, it’s time to step off. Apply "What Not How" and take control of your performance, your mindset, and your confidence.

Mind Strength Skill: “What Not How”

• Listen to WHAT coaching point your coach is making vs. HOW they delivered it.

Stay tuned next week as we continue uncovering more steps to break free from approval-seeking. See you then!

“If you live for people’s acceptance, you’ll die from their rejection.” — Lecrae